Calling Home is a series of articles dedicated to cherishing the memories made when away from home, and the people who make them. In Part 5/6, Siangling Tan takes a step back to reflect on tough choices.
15,000 km is one-point-five Trans-Siberian railways.
I like looking out of the bus window on my way home, as clichéd as it may sound. The autumn leaves of every shade of red and yellow litter the ground and form a breathtaking collage. Kids wave at us as the bus drives by, the setting sun illuminating their chubby cheeks, their blue eyes sparkling with joy and childhood innocence, their blond hair tousled by the wind. The calm and serenity provides a stark contrast to all that I have known for the former 14 years of my existence, and as much as I like the view, it is a constant reminder of everything I gave up and abandoned for this chance for a better future.
The bus rides home are often monotonous but they bestow upon me the quiet and peace to let my thoughts roam free. Often, I think about my big plans for my future, or plan out the coming days in my head, but lately, I have been reflecting a lot, thinking about the implications of all my actions, and the consequences that they bring.
15,000 km is 1,741 Mount Everests.
It has been a little more than a year since I left home. I live a fairly comfortable life here. I try to be a good student, and I’m glad to say that I’m more successful here as a student as before when I was back home. I have friends who care about me and with whom I have shared beautiful memories with; and I have teachers who are caring, wise, and taught me a great deal about life and of course, their expertise. My greatest regret, though, was leaving the ones that I share a mutual unconditional love with.
Relationships have been strained by my departure. The distance between us is an endless source of agony and chagrin. Being away from....him, is particularly difficult and it raises questions within me that cannot be answered. Did I make the right choice? Have I done irreparable damages to our relationship by making this decision without consulting it thoroughly with him? I hate myself for being cruel and heartless and leaving without a backwards glance, and I hate myself for hurting him so brutally with my abrupt departure from his life, literally.
15,000 km is 7,500 Akashi Kaikyō bridges.
Being in a long distance relationship is a paradox in its very essence. On one hand, it throws the relationship into glaring clarity, exposing every nook and cranny of it for our scrutiny as we slowly and painfully discover the weaknesses within our relationship and the fatal flaws of both of us; but yet, on the other hand, things are incredibly blur and foggy, as it is impossible to have a clear insight of what the other person is going through in life. It is incredibly difficult to look at things from his perspective and therefore, it induces my insensitivity and inability to fully understand the whole scale of things, which leads, many times, to arguments and tears.
Trust and faith plays a big part in long distance relationships (LDRs). Frankly speaking, it is extremely easy to cheat in an LDR. How can he possibly know if I'm cheating? That tiny, menacing thought has crossed my mind before, not once, but numerous times. The only thing holding me back from it is faith and belief. I have to remind myself that what we both believe in is possible; that this relationship is not doomed from the start; that working so hard to maintain it will pay off and we can finally fulfill all our vows to each other; and that this will not end tragically in crushed spirits and broken hearts.
15,000 km is 10,000,000 average humans, stacked on top of one another.
There are arguments in this relationship, arguments that made me question my ability to be a decent human being, and whether I am fit to interact in the society that the majority of us deem normal. I guess that it is not exclusive to LDRs, but being half a globe away from him, I do not have the privilege of having physical intimacy with him which can work wonders on mending broken hearts. I hate that whenever I miss him, which is quite often, I could not reach out and find him close by; I hate that I have absolutely no clue on when exactly I will see him again.
I am young, naive,immature and far too young to be talking about forever. I accept the fact that people change, and I am aware that we might grow up and look back someday, and realize that this beautiful dream that we believed in for so long, is ultimately, just a dream. But for now, I have faith in us, and I pray that this is a part of me that would not change, for always and forever.
15,000 km is the distance between me...and him.
Words by Siangling Tan
Picture credited to yaroslavkaras.deviantart.com
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