Photography by Nguyen Thao Ngan
Here we are at last. The end of this little Transcendence trilogy, and therefore, in a way, an end of this self-defining, four-year journey of mine.
Dear readers, thank you for coming all this way. It sounds cheesy and overused as hell, but it really does mean more than me than any of you may realise. Some of you have been here since the very beginning (my first post was a cringe-worthy commentary on the movie New Moon), and I’m honestly stunned by your constancy in a world of variables, to quote a dear friend of mine. Some of you picked up along the way, several maybe only starting to read recently. That’s fine too; you don’t mean any bit less to me. I’ve been doing this for six years now, and there’s no greater joy than to discover that someone is reading and commenting on your latest post; that they can relate or, even better, that it helped them in some way. I’m humbled to have been able to write for you, and entertain/amuse/shock you for a brief part of your day.
I may sound extraordinarily reflective today, and it’s no coincidence: this is my last major contribution to Suburban KID, and quite possibly the last feature post from Suburban KID, ever. There will possibly be a lot of questions arising from that statement, and I promise to answer some of them both in this article, and in a follow-up post after this.
Before that, I’m going to start with a lesson on — stay with me here — economics.
I believe I wrote about this in some other article, but I couldn’t really be bothered to check. Either way, it’s worth repeating it here.
While economics is not my favourite subject — that honour still goes to History — I firmly believe that it has had the greatest impact on my life compared to any other subject that I’ve taken in my 16 years of formal education. It is the only subject that has actually shaped and changed my view of both my own life, as well as society at large. It didn’t start right away, though; in fact, it started off really boring, and continued being a rather dry subject. But the magical ‘click’ moment came when we reached the middle of Demand & Supply.
Understanding the fundamental sleep-inducing qualities of the subject they were teaching, the economics department had elected to occasionally use anecdotes and real-world examples to help us relate to economic concepts. One particularly effective one was used to explain Marginal Benefit and Marginal Cost, respectively referring to the additional satisfaction/cost that a person receives/incurs from consuming an additional unit of a good or service. They used the example of sleeping: when woken up by an alarm clock, we are often tempted to sleep longer, and would make choices on how much more to sleep by weighing the satisfaction derived from extra sleep against the trouble incurred from having to rush. The accepted midpoint compromise — or the margin — to us individually would theoretically be our most likely choices. Applying the same to society, you now understand how we determine whether to buy a good or service given its price (cost) and its expected utility (satisfaction).
While it didn’t hit me immediately, I soon came to a realisation: we make virtually all our life choices this way. This concept explains not only how we buy stuff, but how we make most decisions, even down to the most basic ones such as whether to lean forward and reach for the bloody remote control. And while it soon seemed like common sense, having this as firm knowledge suddenly bestowed me with a strong sense of control. I had an effective basic framework to evaluate what I should do and, more importantly, whether some things were truly worth working for. Too often we are harmed by the problem of imperfect information (look it up — I’m not about to give another economics lesson), thus leading us to try and achieve things not because they truly benefit us, but because based on hearsay, or our parents’ insistence, or due to how everyone else is also chasing after the same thing, that winning that prize / studying for that degree / becoming a doctor / buying that condominium is “good” for us. Sounds familiar?
I have long internally rejected such herd mindsets, but from that point on, I had a clear way to move forward. I actively and confidently chose to pursue and put in effort for something only if I was sure the overall benefit outweighed the cost. And it has changed my life.
How I Stopped Caring So Much
I think sometimes we place expectations too great on ourselves to “change”. I came to Singapore expecting a plethora of tangible changes to my life — I was going to excel academically; I was going to be participate in as many co-curricular activities as I could; I was going to be socially active, perhaps even socially popular; I would be on top, and enjoy myself at that. Mind you, I didn’t have the illusion that all this would come easily; I understood that it would probably require going through some pain and stumbling around awkwardly especially during the initial ‘settling-in’ phase. Well, I got a lot more pain than I expected, stumbled more times than I could keep count, and yet managed to achieve few of these things.
And that’s okay.
It’s true, I haven’t accomplished many great things after coming to Singapore. I haven’t won many competitions, or appeared on national news, or become a writer for a magazine, like some other scholars may have been able to. But, at the risk of sounding like a bunch of sour grapes, somewhere along the line I’ve stopped caring about these things. Sure, it would be nice to be a great achiever in all these things. However, I humbly believe that I’ve managed to accomplish an even greater, yet incredibly personal achievement: the ability to determine what constitutes success for myself.
I've learnt to begin my accepting my place in a stupendously enormous world, a world in which I’ve come to realise my successes, mistakes and life in general will be a mere speck in the grand scheme of infinite time. I’ve taken solace in the fact that it’s okay to just want to be happy; that beyond fulfilling my basic needs and wants, everything else is really entirely optional. Sure, I could aim for grandiose achievements or résumé fillers that are surely very useful for the accomplishment of further ‘successes’, but I’ve started to question myself whether these are things that I really want, or things to pursue for achievement’s — or worse, vanity’s — sake.
A Different Kind Of Success
There are some who may see this as a sign of mediocrity, and I can see why. For some individuals, and typically, many in Singapore, it is unfathomable for someone to choose a path that actually promises less reward, even if it means less effort. They argue that every opportunity is one to seize; to forgo said opportunities would be an unforgivable waste. I still clearly remember an article about the late Mr Lee K.Y. having a chat with ex-Singaporeans residing in Australia: one of them nearly made the former premier “fall off his chair” by saying that he migrated so as to “get off work early and go fishing”. Mr Lee could not understand this, and I suspect many in today’s goal-oriented world would not either.
If you are such an individual, I would like to clarify that I am not against these ideals. It goes back to my aforementioned internalising of economics — if the value you place on tangible rewards and successes are higher than the pain of the effort needed to pursue them (or, even better, if you actually enjoy the process), then by all means go for it. It’s just not for me. I used to want to be a lawyer; now, I’m extremely averse to going through what is essentially described as a repeat of JC for the four-year law course, only to submit myself to mountains of paperwork for the first few years of work. Sure, it’d probably earn me loads more than many other prospective jobs, and some may treasure that, but I’d rather be like that fishing guy and
have some time for myself, and the freedom to do whatever the hell I want as opposed to being chained to a company-issued cellphone that I’m obliged to promptly answer even after midnight. Yes, I may be exaggerating it a little (or maybe not? I have heard many work horror stories) but I hope the point gets across. Success isn’t pre-defined.
Instead, I’m proud of my own little journey. I’ve become happier as an optimistic realist, acknowledging the many flaws of both myself and the human race that surrounds me, yet always acknowledging the little blessings and spots of happiness that make life worth living. I’ve come to terms with my arrogance of yesteryear, the version of me that was always trying to up everyone else, and am thankful that I have moved far away from that; in that vein, I have also had to accept that there will always be people who will perceive you in unpleasant ways regardless of how much you make an effort to be the opposite. I’m happy that I’ve grown a lot more resilient - strong enough to keep a relationship going and growing stronger, despite some well-meaning advice to consider cutting it when things got really tough; strong enough to be a source of comfort for my friends, to be able to encourage them and shroud them with care even when I’m facing difficulties myself; strong enough that I know, if I had to re-walk that long road back from Mountbatten MRT station at midnight all alone after losing in debate, it still wouldn’t be pleasant, but I could do it with a lot less impact to my state of mind. I still stumble; heck I still stumble a lot. But I’m okay with that, too.
Final Lessons
Taking a step back, it would appear that what we have is a series of contradictions. In Singapore, I was supposed to become more academically-and-career-driven, but instead I’m drawn away to the simple pleasures of relationships and free time. I was supposed to become more kiasu, but I’ve actively stepped back and refused to take part in cutthroat competition. I was supposed to become more cold and materialistic, but while I still love shopping for my gadgets and sneakers, I treasure the people around me so much more. I have learnt to appreciate the benefits of authoritarianism, but this has made me value and champion individualism, free will and various democratic ideals even more. I have grown to love this little red dot, and desire to be part of its future, but I love my even smaller, defiantly beautiful state of Penang more than ever (if that’s even possible!).
And perhaps that’s one of the biggest takeaways from this four-year ordeal. I was never meant to be shaped into the norms and stereotypes that defined this island and its people, as what many had predicted and what I myself expected. It provided a force for change that acts on you depending on who you already are. It pushes you not necessarily to redefine who you are or change your values, but to reexamine and reestablish those values, hopefully in a manner that is clearer for yourself. Whether I have emerged a better person from all this is perhaps subjective — I hope and believe that I have — but what is for certain is that I now am less sure about who I really am, but ironically this has made me more at peace with myself and the world. I no longer have to keep up with my own preconceived notions of myself, and I feel secure in the knowledge that I will be free to continue shaping this identity for years to come.
And it is all okay.
Thank You And Goodbye
There are a lot of people that have entered my life and blessed it in some way. Too many, in fact, for me to write them all down completely here. I’m going to try, but do know that even if your name doesn’t appear, I am always grateful for the people who have brought cheer to me, so you are treasured, too.
In Singapore, I first met Zhang Han, my roommate from China. I will always be greatly saddened by how you were hurt by the pressure, and how you had to leave. My friend, thank you for making my initial arrival a bit less frightful, and I hope wherever you are now, you’re doing alright.
Song Yi and Hongyi, you were fun roommates/floormates. Thanks guys. Also thanks to Zhuowei, Yi Ning, Xie Hao, Xu Yuan, Danrui and the rest of the batch for being really friendly juniors, and to my Malaysian senior Xin Yi for helping me when I first arrived.
Shu Qi, you were a kind friend from the start. I really wish you didn't have to go back to Johor, but I guess sometimes our paths can't be planned. Thank you for accompanying me even during that short while.
The first person I met in Chung Cheng is Javier, and to date the only person I know that shares my birthday. You’re a weird dude, man, but good fun, so many thanks for being an entertaining table-mate. Liverpool can fuck off though.
Jolene, I’m really glad that our friendship has only grown stronger beyond Chung Cheng. In 2015 you told me I was one of your best friends, and if you remember that stunned me a bit. I’m used to treating people dear to me with huge dedication and importance, but there are only a few among my friends who have really reciprocated this. Thank you friend.
Wei Quan, Shurui, Wei Xin, Abigail, Jia Yi and Kayleen, thanks for being sincere classmates I could trust. I’ve harped on about how trying the first two years were for me, but you all were candles in the darkness.
Chung Cheng’s English Drama Society (EDS) remains the best CCA I’ve joined thus far, and a big refuge for me to get away from everything else. A big thanks to all the awesome people there.
Mr Malcolm Tan and Mr Kevin are two of the most exceptional teachers I’ve ever had. The first for being really the most dedicated teacher I’ve ever seen — who else dresses up in WW2 uniforms?!? — while the second gave me a lot of comfort in Sunday classes and taught me a lot about life (sorry for being late all the time). I owe both of you so much.
Mabel, you’re another friend I’m grateful that our friendship has lasted for so long. Until today I still wish you somehow could remain in Chung Cheng instead of being transferred to TKGS; I think I would’ve coped a lot better. Nevertheless, I’m really glad to have still known you afterwards and enjoyed your quirkiness.
Lulu, Janice and Michelle, thanks for being good company during my stay in Dunman. Admittedly I didn’t manage to bond as much with my batch (at least initially) so it was great to have you all around.
Eugene and Yogesh, thank you guys and the rest of your team so much for the opportunity to participate in that play for the intellectually disabled. It was meaningful in so many ways, and great fun as well (despite all the challenges of making it work). On a related note, thanks to the awesome actors/actresses from Chung Cheng’s EDS and Victoria High who took the stage with me to create several memorable performances.
I can’t not mention PESVA: Emerlyn, Dennis, Sheah Wen, Tran Nguyen “LG” Lam Giang and Priya Ramesh are people that I wanted to keep hanging out with forever. We had such crazy nights just simply walking the streets of Singapore and laughing over every stupid thing, taking away so much of the stress I had. I miss you guys; thank you so much.
Siangling, we parted ways halfway through my journey, but before that you still did your best to support me. Thank you for that.
Ching Earn, Tianqi and Si Di, you guys were bloody fantastic roommates during my time in JC. So much funny shit in #A08–02 for those two years. Also further thanks to the Malaysian gang Sarah, Mabel, Jason, Xin Run, Nicholas, Kai Lue, Ms Hiew and the rest, along with Arvin, Toan, Han, Vicente, Trung, Reynard, Kelvin and many others for making my stay at SA Hall even brighter. Big thank you especially for my first surprise birthday celebration by the M’sian gang; I’d never experienced anything of the sort before that.
Yue Ning and Constantine, all of us from orientation group 37 will agree that you were the best OG leaders by far. Thank you for making our welcome so awesome and leaving such a lasting impression throughout JC. On that note, thanks to the entire OG37 for being so enthusiastic and just all-round fun from the get go; I still get amused thinking about how we sang Dora’s theme song while marching through SASS.
Madhu, bros don’t really say much sentimental shit, but I really don’t have any other guy friend in Singapore quite like yourself. Keep rocking hard and all the best in National Service (although I still can’t understand how you keep yourself excited about it).
Huiyi, you once simply wrote that you didn’t need to write much because I already knew my importance to you. And here, I think the only way to avoid a long list is to now say the same for you. Thank you for being there, my egg-loving friend.
Eve, highest basic-white-bitch honours to you (lol). Thanks for being a great classmate and friend, and a cool person in general. And of course, congratulations on you-know-what!
Thien Tam, I think you’re a really underrated friend. Thank you for being steadfast and loyal all this time, and for helping me out immensely so many times. I’ll still tease your weirdness but you’lll always have my appreciation.
Natasha, I don’t think I’ll ever find another person that can make so many similar choices consecutively with me besides yourself. Thank you for being a good listener and a nice friend from the start of JC.
The rest of 14A06 has helped me, made me laugh and entertained me in some way or another, and thus remains a very special class in my heart. Thank you guys (actually majority girls).
House Council is too big to thank individually, so I’ll have to do it in one go: you guys gave me some of the biggest memories from JC, so you know how important you all are. We pulled off some fantastic events together.
And of course, thank you Ngân. You probably know my struggles and flaws more than any other person in the world, and you’ve amazingly stuck by me despite all that. Thank you for those times, and all the other awesome times we've had together.
As hard as it is for even myself to accept, all good things must come to an end. This Singapore journey wasn’t all good, but looking back, I feel that the best way to put it is that I needed this journey. It was something that I had to experience, and I’m happy with the person that has emerged out of all this. It’s over now, but I can hardly believe it is.
At the same time, it’s time for me to say goodbye to Suburban KID. It’s been six awesome, crazy, very different years, but I think that this is a fitting end. I won’t stop writing — hell no — but I think it’s time to try something new, and forge a new path. I’m not even a suburban kid anymore; I’m a city-dwelling adult. More details will come in a follow-up post, as mentioned, but even if SK itself doesn’t end, you can be certain that this is my last hurrah.
So, for the gazillionth time, thank you so much for reading; thank you so much for everything. Good night.
THE END
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