Words by Terence Wang
Picture editing by Lh Isurgranddad
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times;
It was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness;
It was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity;
It was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness;
It was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair.
On 21 November, 2013, I departed Singapore for home, closing the first half of the four-year-long chapter that began from the moment I received the fateful email informing me of my successful entry into the ASEAN scholarship. That journey has been fruitful, surprising, heartbreaking, mind-blowing, and life-changing.
This article is a final summary chronicling this two-year journey, and the people that have been part of it.
Growing Pains
I intended to tell this story in a somewhat chronological manner, but I realised that this article deserves to end on a high note, and that means getting rid of all the trash up front first.
Let me get this out of the way: the journey of an overseas student is not an easy one. Anyone who tells you otherwise either is much more extraordinary than the majority of us, or has a bridge to sell you. In fact, it can often be bitterly, bitterly painful.
Most people already know this, but they often think that it refers to the 'practical' stuff. Living on your own, doing all your chores yourself, being responsible for your own wellbeing - that sort of thing. Truth is, unless you've been terribly pampered all your life, all this ceases to be a hindrance after some time; they become a form of background noise, a burden at times, but not really tough by any measure.
What is tough is encountering, for the first time, the emotional and psychological challenges of being dropped into a foreign environment, surrounded by strangers that aren't equipped, or responsible, to help you out in a way that a family member or similar adult might. This is an aspect that is largely ignored when people try to help you prepare for your journey, and one that, even if acknowledged, is mostly impossible to prepare for anyway.
I've already elaborated on this before, but it bears repeating: I came to Singapore with a drive to excel. I wanted to be able to do well in my pursuits, be they academic or non-academic, and I wanted to succeed...perhaps a little too badly. And when one tries to hard, he will fall, and fall hard I did. From the get-go, life was as smooth as a porcupine's back: I screwed up academics, ended up fruitless my external ventures (such as debate competitions), have had to watch my roommate crumble under stress and leave the country nearly insane, and most of all, suffer this crumbling of my world almost entirely alone.
I am a weird concoction of an introvert and an extrovert - I like to have some 'alone time' to gather my thoughts and think about life (yes, yes, snicker all you want), but I also cannot survive without some genuine, heartfelt company. Through some unfortunate coincidence or cruel twist of fate, however, I was placed in a setting that did its best to deny me this need.
Let's start of with the batch of scholars that have accompanied me throughout these few years. First off, while at the beginning there were three Malaysians, because of a few separate events I was the only one left after several months, which wasn't a great place to start. Because I didn't have to attend a bridging course, I was also dropped in rather late in comparison and thus didn't have the luxury of getting to know them better before the start of the term. As mentioned above, my roommate, who was the one scholar at the time I could say that I was actually close to, broke under stress and left - the pain of watching that breakdown happen in front of me will forever be one of my most hurting memories. Because of my subject combination, I was placed in a different class from the rest of them, further segregating me from the group. To top all this off, we simply weren't 'close' - it wasn't that we hated each other or anything like that, quite the contrary, but we simply didn't really make it a priority to keep strong ties among each other. This is in contrast to our immediate juniors, who make it a point to have meals together, go on outings as a group, etc. Even our vice principal once made a concerned comment regarding this fact.
Ah, yes, on to the school itself: Chung Cheng High (Main), which is now officially one of my almae matres. I still vividly remember the day I first visited it, tagging along with my senior; I had no idea what to expect, but I certainly didn't expect a Tiananmen-style block that was the main building, complete with decorative murals and an exquisite green roof to further ingrain that impression.
There were certainly things to like about CCHMS: the facilities were top-notch, the teachers were beyond excellent, and the administration was mostly cooperative and not bone-headed, unlike my previous school (I'm looking at you JSHS). However, it lacked something very important to me - the people element. You see, both my class and the cohort as a whole faced the same issue as my batch of scholar-mates did: we simply weren't very united. I'm not even going to go into the levels of drama that ensnared my class throughout the past two years, but suffice to say towards the end we were fractured into little cliques that stuck to themselves, for themselves - furthermore, when you notice people preferring to hang out with their previous classmates than to their existing ones, you know there's a problem. As for the cohort, well... there wasn't even enough support among us for our own prom, resulting in its cancellation. I don't think I need to say much more than that.
I will humbly offer two reasons for this scenario. I believe that every class can be separated into several groups of people, of what they mean to each individual. First, there are acquaintances, which account for about 60-70% of the class. Each person's 60-70% is different, and they are people that you get along well enough with, and probably can have a good time with, too, but not close to the extent that you consider them to be your inner circle of friends. This group of people don't affect much of anything, whether positively or negatively - the next 30-40% is where it gets interesting. This percentage gets split up into two extremes - your closest of friends, and people you would loath to have lunch with. Now, here's the crucial part: the ratio of these two groups in this 30-40% will directly affect your happiness in the class.
Naturally, since everyone's 30-40% is different, how happy they are with the people around them will also vary. Mine, at least initially...was quite bad. There are several people, who shall remain unnamed, that still behave in a way that is incomprehensible to me and more akin to a high school freshman as opposed to soon-to-be graduates. There are also several people who have no problems in dragging down others in angry spite through insults and other attacks. I'd like to think it was just me who feels this way, but after having private chats with quite a number of my classmates, it's safe to say that many are unhappy with some individual/group or another.
As for the cohort, I think we really lacked the school pride that many other schools have in spades. This may be in part due to just this cohort in particular, but I think that the school itself has a hand in it: being a proudly Chinese school, with a - at least compared to other Singaporean schools - equally proud and long heritage, the school tries very hard to 'create' a culture of what they call bilingualism, but is largely seen as simply trying to be more 'China-like' instead. The school compounds are overwhelmingly Chinese, the school population is entirely homogeneous, nearly every cultural activity has its roots in Chinese culture, 3 out of the 4 overseas trips organised in the past two years were to a location in China (or something along those lines; I remember the only non-China trip was one to the UK, and it was limited to Literature students).
By doing this, I believe they create a disconnect between the school and the students, because they forget that the people who attend are still largely Singaporean, which after nearly 50 years of independence have an entirely different culture and lifestyle as their China counterparts, including their ancestors that arrived before independence. This is important, and also why you don't see schools with strong pride and support among their students trying to emulate another country, be it USA, France, India or whatever.
I need to stress, again, that these are my humble views and observations, which can and will probably be met with disagreements. Which is fine.
Either way, we're done with the bad stuff, and I can finally move on.
People Matter
As you may have gathered, the 'people element' is hugely important to me - I honestly can't stress that enough. I'm the kind of person that overly empathises with the people around myself, and hence want to keep them as happy as possible so that I too may be in high spirits. Reading the above may give a bad impression of my situation here in Singapore, but honestly, that's just part of the story.
In these two years, I have met extremely wonderful people that have done much to brighten up this journey - kind, sincere, helpful and altogether praise-worthy individuals who I continue to respect and be grateful for. For the sake of fairness, and the fear of accidentally missing out a person or two, these people will remain strictly unnamed, but if you're one of them and you're reading this right now, you will have no problem figuring out where you belong in this awesome group of people, and I am so very glad to have met you.
And what a large group of people it is, too. Starting from the 'nice' part of the 30-40% of my class that I mentioned earlier - a few of these people, in particular, have given me the good fortune to become very close to them, and I fervently hope that our friendships continue to thrive. I know several of you are reading this; know that you mean to a lot to me. Then there's the awe-inspiring people from the school's English Drama Society, one of the few things that I love to bits about CCHMS - you all have been a huge, huge pleasure to work (and play!) with, and because of that, you have collectively created the best CCA that I have ever participated in.
Let's not forget the wonderful people outside school, as well. In the beginning of my journey, during the time that I shall call the 'Bad Days', when I felt extremely lonely and depressed, one of my only places of refuge was a little ragtag band of weird and over-the-top ASEAN scholars that acted completely unlike scholars, for the overwhelming better of it. Although we were all studying in different locations, living different lives, we would never fail to meet up occasionally for another night of hilarity every now and then, or a volunteering trip filled with laughable mishaps. Though short, these little excursions were the ones that help keep me strong and willing to push on during my daily routines. Thanks for being a constant source of awesomeness, you all.
There was also a few notable people at my local church, which I entered as a complete stranger, especially one teacher in particular went the extra mile to counsel me when I needed it, and gave me many new, eye-opening outlooks and views on life. My Saturday evenings were always a joy, if only because of the very insightful conversations we would have. I won't forget the number of very kind and always-helpful people in the youth community, too - to those who went around during the very, very emotional prayer session and just did the simple act of praying with, and for, youths they may not have even met before, you're doing God's work. Bless your hearts.
A final note to my family, the people who have not failed, not even once, to stick behind me through the entire time, whether away from home, or at home. Not a lot needs to be said since most people already realise how crucial family can be already in such times. However, it is still a very sincere thank you that I offer.
A Happier Place?
A scholarship is about many things, but when all is said and done, it's supposed to come down to a few: studies, opportunities, excelling...the like. The same reasons that people apply for scholarships in the first place. The reasons *I* applied for Singapore.
This is why I probably should have listened more closely when people say "you never know what to expect". Because contrary to what I did expect, the two-year Singapore journey has not really been about all these things.
Instead of 'winning', it has been about learning how to lose, how to fall, and how to pick myself back up again. Instead of studying opportunities, it has been about life opportunities, and life experiences; about being willing to take a spontaneous jump into chances with people I may have only known for the entirety of a few hours, and hoping to learn a couple of things along the way while enjoying the ride.
Instead of discovery of a new place, and new cultures (although that was a good part of it), it has been about self-discovery - seeing myself for the good, the bad, and the ugly, and coping with these realisations while hopefully adapting and changing for the better. It was about striving to my long goal of becoming a more rational, level-headed person, about being humble and knowing that sometimes you're just not as good as others may be, and that it isn't necessarily a bad thing.
Above all, it was about settling down, and being comfortable with myself, with where I am, and with the people around me. Not too long ago, I found myself struggling, lost in the thin chasm between two places and two different lives: the one that I lived through, and the one that I'm living in. I still notice the cracks sometimes - in Singapore, when my friends discuss their routine lives of tuition lessons, their primary school life memories, and back home, when I realise I don't know which language to use when starting a conversation anymore, or seeing the years that my former schoolmates have gone through without my presence - these are the times when I realise that my life is now a separate one from both groups, and that I can no longer truly claim to actually belong anywhere. But I'm beginning to find a foothold, creating a state of calm and peace within me, and I'd like to believe that I'm finally starting to be genuinely happy again.
So thank you all once again, those I've met and have been part of this journey, and those who have been there all along. While it hasn't been an all-enjoyable journey (as evidenced above), it was an interesting one, and I even daresay an exciting one. I look forward to what has yet to come.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times,
It was a life I chose to lead, it was one I'm glad I did.
Special thanks to Mabel Sim, Jolene Siew, Tran Nguyen L.G., Wang Shurui, Quek Wei Quan, Gwyneth Thong, Gwendolyn Ler, English Drama Society (Chung Cheng), and others for picture contributions.
Look back on the journey here:
| So Long, and Thanks for All The Fish | Another Day, Another Dawn | Progress Report, Term 1 |
| Rock, Paper, Suicide | Seven Billion | In Big Cities, People Live Alone Together |
| In Between | Gliding Over All |
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