Healing

What is it that makes relationships so important to us?

Even forgetting the romance movies, the chick flicks, the chick lit (getting a bit sexist here, I know), love and attraction is just... I don't know, such a big deal. Not to everyone, perhaps - some people couldn't care less - but I think I can safely say it's a big majority. Myself not excluded.


Someone close to me commented this: "when you fall for someone, you fall for them hard". Which is true. You know you're being pulled along for the ride, and you don't know where this train will take you. But you can't and won't stop, because a part of you wants to believe in the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel.

Another part of you knows that you may never see this light. It reminds you that, sometimes, certain things just aren't meant to be. What can you do, though? Forget it? That's not exactly rational either, throwing away a 1-in-2 chance in exchange for none at all, and forever living with the annoying "what if".

I had the strangest dreams recently. Hell, almost all dreams are weird, but these in particular because the second one was a sequel of the first. I kid you not. In the first, I was being sent off to prison, the reason for which I couldn't remember. It was so immensely scary because it was so real - my principal's disappointment, the goodbyes to my parents, my brother's expression before I had to leave...oh my god. I cannot live through that again. Cliched as it may sound, I was never more happy to wake up. After that, though, I couldn't help but feel that it meant something, somehow. That it was a hint of some sort.

The second one was in jail. I had been sentenced to death by gassing, and it was my last day. It's funny to think that a dream could make you so appreciative of life, but this one did, for sure. Watching the minute hand rotate as the hours counted down to my doom was chilling beyond my daylight imagination. And during every second of it, I was desperately trying to find some way, somehow, to get out of my predicament. Everything, no matter how ludicrous, became a plausible option. Finally, I thought I came up with something - a technicality flaw (If this doesn't show that I'll probably be a lawyer, I don't know what else will). I triumphantly presented it to the administration, and hoped so hard for a chance. It didn't come, and I got to tumble back into misery. Then I woke up, again in a cold sweat.

Now, call it instinct, call it paranoia, I don't know. But while I previously struggled to come up with a meaning for my first dream, after this one a nagging thought surfaced within me. One that I tried to dismiss for being too unrelated, but it stuck.

Deep down, I knew I would never be with her.

The train has stopped. Not where I want it to be, but I've long known that it was never within my control. I can only accept it as it is, and move on. But I'll be damned if I don't say that I never expected it to be so hard.