What a horrible year.
I suppose it's inevitable that in one of the most crucial years (so we're told) in my life, and (again we're told) probably the most stressful, it would really be hard to ask for a decent year. And to be fair, I had warning signs way back from last year, both from observing my seniors and from the literally countless reminders from practically every tutor in the college. So I was able to mentally prepare, somewhat. All of that did not prepare me for what has been, without a doubt, likely the worst year of my short life thus far.
That being said: 2015 Junior College Year 2 students in Singapore, if you are reading this, congratulations! You've survived Term 3, the most dreaded of the four academic terms for every JC2 batch. It is the term that is almost literally workload after workload, revision after revision, time trial after another fucking time trial, exam after exam. The A-level exercise wheel spins and it spins hard, twenty-four-seven, with nary a break in between. Somehow, like soldiers dragging their bloody bodies across enemy lines, we've made it. Yes, there is the small matter of the A-levels inching ever so much closer, and there'll naturally be more cramming in the weeks ahead. But all that can wait for now.
At this point, I would like to celebrate just being alive.
It's been long overdue for JC students to have one of those confession group meetings where people gather around in a circle and share their problems. Hands up, all of you who have contemplated suicide in recent times, especially if you haven't really before. Not that I have any way of knowing, but I'm going to bet that there's going to be quite a number raised high. No shame. I have too, frequently.
It leads one to wonder about what sort of education system drives its students to madness, desperation, and suicidal tendencies. Every education system in the world will and should strive to build character and resilience by challenging its students. That's fine, and probably necessary. But to what end? To the point that at least a quarter of all students (including primary and secondary schools) have confessed to thinking about suicide? Has the importance of education and the productivity it is assumed to foster surpassed that of happiness, or even staying alive? Have we become so blind in pursuing economic prosperity that we are willing to be pulled into this meat grinder, willing to be subject to discriminatory slaughter where only the fittest survive? I've went on for a bit too long now, and perhaps that's an article for another day. But while I'm here, and those of you reading this are still here, I know that many among us have struggled in keeping our resolve to continue living, and there are some who are no longer with us today.
Work has not only nearly killed me; it has nearly killed my friends, my loved one; it has forced me to pull them back, sometimes screaming and crying, from the dangerous ledge, both literal and metaphorical. And I'm not gonna lie, being that pillar of support when I'm already drowning in my own ways is often overbearing. It's not that these people are burdens, as I have to keep reassuring them; it's really, extremely depressing to watch an environment where people have to torture themselves in such a way, and where you just want to help but everything is horrible and we're all dying and oh my god help us all.
I also learnt how it's like to be backstabbed. I don't mean the petty little instances where someone who you thought was your friend goes and says something critical behind your back and you two start a mini cold war and never speak to each other again for the whole of three days. No, it's the kind of professional backstabbing with severe, long-term consequences, on my friendships, my work, my future. The kind I would never wish upon anyone, but ended up having to deal with. I've had two of the sort this year. Again, it's probably for another article, but they have only served to make this miserable existence more painful than it already was.
But, again, despite this, despite everything, I'm still here. You're still here. Many of us are still here. By the sheer power of the human will and spirit, we have clenched our jaws and clawed our way forward. It's strange and fascinating because, and I know many of us have likely wondered this, why? Why do we try? Why live when it's less painful to be dead? Pragmatically speaking, it would always be more beneficial to choose the option that brings more happiness / less sadness. Why are we choosing life?
A dear friend told me recently that "God gave you this life and life is precious". Whether you believe in any higher power or otherwise doesn't matter; to be alive, today, regardless of whether there's a better tomorrow, to be alive is beautiful. I can't say I know for sure why we choose life - it is perhaps the Great Human Miracle, the most powerful thing about our species, that we can struggle on against the odds, without real assurance of something better, surviving just on pure Hope alone. Whatever the reason, it is remarkable and bloody well worthy of celebration.
Cheers to you all out there, whatever you may be going through. Things may not make sense right now. But whatever you do, stay alive.
Photography by Nguyen Thao Ngan
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